Can I tell you something that that girl up there has that I do not? It is motivation. It is confidence. It is movement to move herself forward. I always take a slide back a bit as far as mood and energy when school starts but I am struggling a bit this year. The most frustrating part of that though is that I know why. I just am trying to gather myself together and get it back on track. I know I have figured it out before and I will figure it out again. But I do wonder how. I do wonder when. I try and be gentle with this new version of me. I do try and be transparent, but not every story can be told.
I have been trying to be sure to document the not always so pretty. The not always so pretty has been tears and heart wrenching. The hardest part of that is when I put it out there. I hate the way responses make me feel. I mean I am not upset that people are wishing me well. I hate that I need to hear that. I hate that I need that. I like to be the one to lift others up which has made it 100x harder to put it out there.
Some will ask me what has changed or did something happen and while I can pinpoint some causes, for the most part all I got is it just happened. One day it was not a struggle and the next it was. As someone who was diagnosed at 26 with contamination OCD and went immediately to therapy I thankfully understand a lot of my brain. I know the cycles.
But it is always hardest when your heart and life are in the best places. So it doesn’t make sense. But in my years…anxiety and stress are often confusing. Some of this is choosing a long time ago to not medicate my anxiety struggles. This decision was mine and mine alone. I abhor the side effects of any and all meds I have taken to help with these sorts of stages. Therefore, it is a requirement of me to be especially in tune with where my head is at.
I also know in lieu of meds, I have found that committing to movement every day has in sense allowed me my own type of therapy. A half hour to an hour to drown myself in my favorite rapper, a podcast or current audible book. I need that. The dangerous territory I have slipped into is not showing up for myself in that way.
And yes it is dangerous because I know what comes next. Over eating, self hatred for over eating, not moving and anxiety. The top of that nasty sundae is the OCD I have worked so hard for so long to cope with.
I am putting this out there into the internet ether to hopefully grab hold of myself before it goes much further. I am trying to chunk up my life before my life chunks me up. If you suffer from anxiety you know exactly what I mean. One step at a time, one foot in front of the other, one workout, one meal, one minute and so on. Deciding every moment is being use to make you better.
That is just not my headspace. My current headspace is all that I have to do. I am too busy. I have to eat crap. I have to push back that workout. I have figure out myself and then I can.
Ask me what has changed…going to school. Every grad school program I start does this to me. It creates insecurities that never existed or if they did they they never actually surfaced. It takes up more time and I am head over heels trying to figure out a new balance to my current situation. My daughters situations are all new and all over the place. My guy’s schedule is also all over too.
I try and be gentle with myself, but sometimes that means a 400 calorie coffee or self talk that I would fuss at my children for. That is unacceptable to me. But here I am. I don’t know what to do about it. I mean I do. I doubt the faith in myself to climb this mountain yet again. I get so fussy with myself that I keep having to climb this mountain again. And again.
I will. I am not ready to sit on the side and give up all the hard work I have done to get here. A lot of the ambivalence has to do with my own weight and self image as of yet. Grad school is about learning, but it also reminds me what I am not. When I feel less then I don’t eat like I should, I don’t take care of myself like I should and I believe the lies my head is trying to tell me that I am not good enough.
This is not my first rodeo and I know I will win yet again. But this in between time while I try to figure out how to balance it all. It just sucks. And maybe other people have the pleasure of not struggling with this…but not me.
And damn it I want you all to know…I may just look like I have it all together. But I don’t. I also know when to lean on those around me and trust me I have been. Thank goodness for my people. They’ve got me. They know when I got dreams, they have to remind me to keep going. Especially with as big as I am dreaming.
So yea…Mommy Rhetoric is not always sunshine and flowers. Sometimes she is a little foggy days trying to see the sun peeking through.
The one advantage I always have in my back pocket is that I KNOW LOVE ALWAYS WINS.
It just always does – MR